Here's To A Boring Year

Too much excitement just might kill me!

No news is not good news

Today is 9 days since my transfer. It seems like if I was in America, my beta would most likely be today. However, my clinic hasn’t scheduled me until Tuesday, which will be 13dp5dt. Outrageous.

Despite feeling what I could have sworn was implantation on day 4, and dreaming of a positive pee stick on the morning of day 7 (thanks for that brain), the cursed pee sticks continue to be resolutely snow white.

I know there are stories, and people who haven’t got a positive home test until they went into labour or whatever, but I’m a realist. I know that by this point, if I were pregnant, I should be getting two lines on that little stick. But I’m not, which leads me to conclude that I have yet again killed off a perfectly beautiful embryo. I’m soldiering on with the meds, but if that beta comes back positive on Tuesday you will be able to knock me down with a feather.

It’s all a bit depressing really. This was my third embryo transfer, counting the IVF before we conceived Monkey, and none has stuck. Cumulative probability says that 85% of women should be pregnant after 3 transfers. So what gives? Why do I have to be in the unlucky 15%?

My clinic insists on a month off between cycles, so we can’t do anything right away. Then the following month would put baby’s due date almost smack on Christmas, which just seems kind of cruel to me. So we might be waiting a couple more months before we try with our last, less perfect embryo. Which means no baby this year.

I guess I should use those months to wean Monkey, so our final FET has the best possible chance, despite the doctor’s assurance that it wouldn’t have any impact. And since if that one doesn’t work we’ll probably look at ovulation induction with injectables, which you can’t do while breast feeding. I so don’t want to wean him though. And he doesn’t want to either. Nightmare.

We may change clinics for the OI, because it appears that my sister’s clinic charges roughly HALF what ours does for a cycle. How is that even possible?? Which I’m assuming means another assessment cycle. Sigh. I wonder if I can do that during the month prior to our last FET?

I’m still kind of scared to have another baby, after the experience of Monkey’s cancer. And I’m not sure I will want to go back to a newborn once Monkey has started school! I’ll just be getting some semblance of my life back to myself, and it will disappear again! Plus I’m rapidly heading towards ‘advanced maternal age’, and the complications that go with it. But I really want to be able to give Monkey a sibling.

I think we will try everything we can afford until the end of 2014, and if it still doesn’t happen, then we will assume it is not meant to be, and be happy with our little twice-miracle.

Fuck you, uterus.

9 comments on “No news is not good news

  1. EmilyMaine
    February 7, 2014

    Man this really sucks. I gotta tell you I’m starting to have the same feelings about my uterus over here. I don’t have half the stress with it all that you do – have yet to get to the assisted fertility stage – but trying and trying and trying for no 2 and watching the months tick by is nothing short of frustrating. Hang in there.

    • boringyear
      February 8, 2014

      It’s annoying however it doesn’t happen!

      My assvice is don’t wait too long to see a specialist. It seems to always take longer than I expect… There’s a lot of waiting involved. I wish we had started earlier both times.

      • EmilyMaine
        February 9, 2014

        OK that’s really good advice. Thank you!

  2. cookie1986
    February 7, 2014

    This must be so devastating. I pray for you that you get another miracle……they always come in threes, right? And you’ve had two so you’re due for another.
    Sending all my “buck up, uterus!” energy across the pond and hemisphere for you.

    • boringyear
      February 7, 2014

      I always thought it was just bad things that come in threes! I’d rather like to be due one more though…

  3. bionicbrooklynite
    February 7, 2014

    Bah. I am still hoping for a late implanter.

    • boringyear
      February 7, 2014

      Me too! But the odds are not on my side at this point.

  4. pajamamommas
    February 8, 2014

    So sorry to hear this. For me, the bits where it was probably a no but not definitely one were the hardest–can’t quite move on yet, but also rapidly losing hope. Bleck. Thinking of you guys.

    • boringyear
      February 8, 2014

      Yes. Somehow there’s always that spark of hope that you’ll be the person who somehow doesn’t show on a home test. Ugh.

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This entry was posted on February 7, 2014 by in missing eggs and tagged , , .
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