Too much excitement just might kill me!
When we did IVF, back before Monkey was conceived, I tried to test out my trigger. It never left my system, even though Google told me it should have, so I was constantly holding onto hope, wondering. The day before my beta, at work, my period started. I cried. I called Hubby in tears. Try explaining that quietly in an open plan office! The next morning I peed on a stick. Positive. My beta came back at 5 – officially not pregnant.
It shouldn’t have surprised me given I was already bleeding heavily, but I was still crushed. I had to take the day off work (thankfully my manager had been through infertility with his wife and was very understanding).
However, our FET protocol doesn’t have this problem. There is no trigger. And my totally uneventful transfer was yesterday, which means I’m already itching to pee on something.
For some reason from the moment of the transfer, I start Googling, as if the information will have changed since the last time I read it. People seem to get positive results anywhere from 3 to 9 days after a 5 day transfer – and there are even stories of people testing negative the morning of their beta and still being pregnant.
Of course, either end of this scale is unlikely, and the more days after transfer the more likely the result of a home test will be accurate.
But I can’t stand the waiting. My clinic doesn’t test until 14 days post transfer. And I can’t stand going from 100% hope to 1% in the space of 2 minutes.
So I choose to test early and often. The gradual death of hope is somehow less excruciating to me, like I have time to grieve, to come to terms with a negative outcome even if it is not yet certain.
I’m trying to hold out until at least 3 days post transfer before I start. I got through the whole day today without peeing on a stick, so that’s a win for willpower. One more to go. Even 3 days is pretty nuts and mostly just flushing money down the toilet, but of course there are some outliers who show positive that early.
Not that a positive test will stop me peeing! Oh no. Then, of course, it is necessary to keep testing until beta to make sure the line is getting darker.
Being pregnant (in fact, being a parent) is a never ending worry-train. Will my betas double? Is the pregnancy in my uterus and not my tubes? Is there a heartbeat? Normal anatomy? Viability! And on. And on.
I know I was worried about all these things the first time around, but I feel more anxious this time, somehow. I guess it is a result of Monkey’s cancer. Although we never truly came close to losing him, for a while, particularly while we were waiting for his diagnosis, we thought that we might. Losing a child is no longer an intellectual concept for me. It is visceral. I feel it in my bones, in the way my heart aches when I look at him. He is mortal. And mortality gives no guarantees.
Wow, that got a bit heavy.
In any case – one more day, then I can start peeing on sticks. Cross everything for an early positive and a healthy, sticky little baby.