Too much excitement just might kill me!
Today is 9 days since my transfer. It seems like if I was in America, my beta would most likely be today. However, my clinic hasn’t scheduled me until Tuesday, which will be 13dp5dt. Outrageous.
Despite feeling what I could have sworn was implantation on day 4, and dreaming of a positive pee stick on the morning of day 7 (thanks for that brain), the cursed pee sticks continue to be resolutely snow white.
I know there are stories, and people who haven’t got a positive home test until they went into labour or whatever, but I’m a realist. I know that by this point, if I were pregnant, I should be getting two lines on that little stick. But I’m not, which leads me to conclude that I have yet again killed off a perfectly beautiful embryo. I’m soldiering on with the meds, but if that beta comes back positive on Tuesday you will be able to knock me down with a feather.
It’s all a bit depressing really. This was my third embryo transfer, counting the IVF before we conceived Monkey, and none has stuck. Cumulative probability says that 85% of women should be pregnant after 3 transfers. So what gives? Why do I have to be in the unlucky 15%?
My clinic insists on a month off between cycles, so we can’t do anything right away. Then the following month would put baby’s due date almost smack on Christmas, which just seems kind of cruel to me. So we might be waiting a couple more months before we try with our last, less perfect embryo. Which means no baby this year.
I guess I should use those months to wean Monkey, so our final FET has the best possible chance, despite the doctor’s assurance that it wouldn’t have any impact. And since if that one doesn’t work we’ll probably look at ovulation induction with injectables, which you can’t do while breast feeding. I so don’t want to wean him though. And he doesn’t want to either. Nightmare.
We may change clinics for the OI, because it appears that my sister’s clinic charges roughly HALF what ours does for a cycle. How is that even possible?? Which I’m assuming means another assessment cycle. Sigh. I wonder if I can do that during the month prior to our last FET?
I’m still kind of scared to have another baby, after the experience of Monkey’s cancer. And I’m not sure I will want to go back to a newborn once Monkey has started school! I’ll just be getting some semblance of my life back to myself, and it will disappear again! Plus I’m rapidly heading towards ‘advanced maternal age’, and the complications that go with it. But I really want to be able to give Monkey a sibling.
I think we will try everything we can afford until the end of 2014, and if it still doesn’t happen, then we will assume it is not meant to be, and be happy with our little twice-miracle.
Fuck you, uterus.