Too much excitement just might kill me!
Today I got the official Big Fucking Negative. No surprise, and yet it stings.
Even better, despite my multitudes of pessaries and setting my alarm super early in the morning and having a cooler bag beside my bed, my progesterone was even lower than the mid-luteal number. 22. The nurse told me she’s never seen anyone who has such issues with progesterone absorption. Yay, I guess?
Follow the well-meaning yet utterly ridiculous questions. How were you using them? Lying down for 30 minutes after insertion?
No, I though I would just spend hundreds of dollars on the disgusting things in conjunction with thousands of dollars on the procedure itself, and then NOT follow any of the relevant instructions. Sigh. Seriously – why do you think I insisted on an extra progesterone test in the first place?
She also mentioned that when I next speak to the doctor, they may suggest trying a different FET protocol, wherein they let you ovulate naturally prior to the transfer so your body is producing its own progesterone. Which sounds fabulous, except that the whole damn reason we need the FETs in the first place is that I DON’T ovulate on my own.
So now we’re down to 1 embryo, the lowest quality one of the lot.
I’m supposed to wait until day 21 of my next cycle, and then go in for a scan and a consult with a doctor.
But to be honest we’re not sure what we’ll do now. We’ve actually been discussing the benefits of being a single child family, and wondering whether we even want to keep trying for another. Maybe we should make the decision consciously for ourselves, instead of having it forced upon us by circumstance. Because frankly, it is a pain in the ass. The hormones make me feel like shit, and the stress makes me feel like shit, and the financial aspect makes me feel like shit.
And we have already been twice blessed with our little Monkey. Miracle conception. Miracle cancer survivor.
I’m content with the way things are. In fact, I rather dread the thought of having an infant again. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, as it were, with plans for Monkey to start school next semester. I see more flexibility, more freedom and more financial stability, in a single child scenario. I see fantasies of new floors and European holidays becoming a reality.
But there is doubt. Will Monkey resent us for not giving him a sibling? Will he miss what he has never known? Would he even get on with a sibling or would they cause more stress than joy?
Research says that mothers are happiest with one child, and that one or more makes no difference to the father’s happiness. It apparently shows that only children are generally more intelligent and more driven, highly sociable, have good self esteem and achieve more than those who grow up with siblings, and that ‘spoilt lonely brat’ is just as likely to apply to a besiblinged child as not.
I know that in the grand scheme of things, we’re not that old, and we could delay this decision for some time yet. At the end of the year, I’ll turn 33. But neither Hubby nor I want to be too much older and starting over, and I don’t want the age gap to be too big either. It is probably already bigger than I’d prefer.
For the time being we’ve decided to fake-decide. That is, we have decided that we’ll be a single child family, and in 3 months we’ll see how we feel about that decision. But in the mean time Hubby doesn’t want to use contraception either, just in case we somehow get lucky / get it decided for us. So we’ve basically decided nothing and will continue to cogitate for weeks on end.
Where is the manual that was supposed to come with my life?